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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27570571">Heaven is not what I expected.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amare_pikapika/pseuds/Amare_pikapika'>Amare_pikapika</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>They Both Die at the End - Adam Silvera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon LGBTQ Character, F/F, Gay, Grief, Heaven &amp; Hell, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad, they both find eachother in the end</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:40:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,299</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27570571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amare_pikapika/pseuds/Amare_pikapika</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>// guys this started off so rough but the ending is worth it I swear// </p><p>Rufus wakes up to discover that heaven isn’t fun. It brings up terrible memory’s that makes him feel like he’s drowning.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rufus Emeterio/Mateo Torrez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Heaven is not what I expected.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Rufus woke up it was not like how he expected. His two-time theory of him already being dead and then after he “died” again he would be brought to heaven. Whatever heaven was. </p><p>But this didn’t feel like heaven, it felt real. To real that he felt like just 23 hours ago he didn’t get the call that would decide his fate. </p><p>He woke in Pluto, on his bed without his roomies to greet him. He was alone, and even though in his real life he would wish for him to be alone, all he wanted was company. It’s funny how when you can’t have something that’s always been there, you then start to appreciate it. The laughs, the good and the bad, the hidden secrets only friends kept, the innocence of life.</p><p>Rufus’s first thought after his awareness was to find Mateo. Though Rufus had secrets with his friends, this connection he felt with Mateo seemed even more secretive than a silly crush he would tell and then beg his friends not to embarrass him. </p><p>Rufus wanted to get up and search, he wanted to know if just outside the door it would be another day, he has lived to see tomorrow. Which sickened him with guilt. Mateo wouldn’t get to wake up, he would be alone as Rufus was alive. He felt angry like he had when he called Aimee. He wanted to punch something, anything, a person, a bed, the wall. Anything that would make him bleed, anything that would keep him alive. But even with the whole death-isn’t-really-something-I-am-afraid-with attitude, he kept and only let down his guard to Mateo; he wondered if heaven was just virtual reality but...without the midnight calls from a company that didn’t feel condolence when they broke the news to you about your departure. </p><p>Rufus could lay in his bed for hours, just thinking and thinking. But yo, he wasn’t like Mateo, he didn’t need to panic and stay in bed because he was afraid. If he was afraid then he should face it; do something about it before it crumples up and blossoms into a darkened rose that slowly started to fill your whole body. The guilt felt terrible. It felt suffocating. It was suffocating, making him choke back a sob as he dashed out onto the streets. Escaping Pluto felt good, it felt like he was leaving behind his old self to find his new one. </p><p>“Mateo!” He called out onto the streets. An arm used to hold him back when he crossed, making sure he double checked for cars. But it looks like there were no cars, no people, nothing but the empty streets of New York. </p><p>He didn’t get an answer and if he already hadn’t been panicking, he was now. If anything he wanted heaven to be good, but maybe him taking a fist to pecks face landed him into the wrong neighbourhood...literally. This wasn’t heaven, I felt like a nightmare. Of course, if he was in hell, he wouldn’t find Mateo anywhere. Mateo was a sweet soul that would bury a dead bird just because he felt something towards it. Mateo would do the right thing not because he had to but because he wanted to. He wanted to bury the bird, he wanted to give money to the homeless man that looked a bit too scary and skinny, he wanted to give his shoes to a kid with a bloody nose. </p><p> </p><p>It started to rain and not just the drizzling that happened when they sat in Mateos fresh grave, it was pouring. It poured down so heavily that colours faded into each other and Rufus started to cry, but he played it off that it was just the rain that was escaping down his cheek.</p><p>“Mateo! Please! Where are you?” He called out again, but even if Mateo was near to hear him, he wouldn’t. The rain was hard and pounded against his ears. Rufus stopped, turning every direction to try and find Mateo. <br/>But he was alone. </p><p>Soon enough the water started to rise, and Rufus got confused as to what was happening. It just kept rising and rising until he was sinking. How could such a big place get drowned out so easily? </p><p>It felt like 4 months ago when he looked back and even though the water was rigid and everything was dark and deep. He could see his white family car begin sinking. Rufus almost threw up, he was face to face with something that had left a huge indent in his heart. This incident ripped a piece of him, and he wanted it back. </p><p>His family, his life, Mateo... </p><p>This was his karma. <br/>This is what he deserved. </p><p>He closed his eyes, and for a second he felt at peace and just like his family car, he started to sink. He didn’t try and fight the water wasn’t even drowning him. He was just there, breathing but not living. </p><p>After a few feet of sinking, everything became dark. He saw flashes of light, and his life from when he was first being born to the last all played out in front of him. </p><p>He watched as he grew up, from being held by his mother to playing catch with his father. He saw the time he and Olivia use to run around and play tag. He saw the skiing trips and even cringed when he saw himself get hit with a tree. He watched the car crash, then he watched his time bonding with Malcolm and Tagoe. He watched himself kiss Aimee for the first time. He watched as he beat up peck, got the call, had his funeral, ran off with his bike, and download Last Friends. </p><p>He watched himself ride his bike all the way to Mateo's house, he watched as he knocked on the door and just before he saw Mateo for the first time his hand was grabbed and yanked to the surface of the water. </p><p>“Roof!” Mateo called out, he seemed excited and had this glow of light in his eyes that reflected in his glasses. </p><p>“Mateo..” Rufus mumbled, reaching out and locking his arms around Mateo. Rufus never wanted to let go, he wished that he could have died right next to Mateo, embracing him and kissing him until their very last moments. The water started to dissolve until there was nothing left. Rufus let out a relieved breath.</p><p>But with the relief, came the anger. </p><p>“You fucking idiot, what the hell where you thinking” he seized, pulling back dreadfully as he cupped Mateos face a bit roughly. It felt good having his face in his hands, it felt right. </p><p>“I wanted to make tea for us... ya know because tea goes good with bad news” Mateo sighed, leaning into the touch as his hand rested over Rufus’s. </p><p>“You were supposed to stay with me. Why didn’t you just stay with me.” He choked out, he cried and this time he couldn’t blame it on the rain. </p><p>“Hey.. we both die at the end, right? We wouldn’t have made it out anyways. It didn’t matter what we did differently.” Mateo comforted, though talking about your death wasn’t something that could be comfortable. Mateo reached out and wiped Rufus’s face clean from tears, and brought him into a bone-crushing hug. </p><p>“I guess we were both wrong huh? No movie theatre or double heaven? Just cold lonely New York.” Mateo mumbled into Rufus’s shirt, then swaying in the now drizzling rain as the sun slowly started to peak from the clouds. </p><p>“If I have you... then it’s better than heaven.” </p><p>And that was that. Mateo was with him, and that’s all he wanted. Rufus felt complete, better than complete... he felt alive.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just finished the book today (11/14/2020) and UGHH. <br/>I wanted to scream my head off it was so good.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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